Fellas, the sex life in your marriage can be very complicated at times. But why is it complicated? You married the woman of your dreams, right? You think she’s beautiful and she finds you very attractive, correct? Before you were married, it seemed like it was impossible to keep your hands off of each other — even though you tried your hardest to refrain (for the sake of not sinning). You thought once marriage came, you’d get to go buck wild in the bed every night, all night. Of course you didn’t marry your wife for sex, but somewhere in your mind, you just knew that your sex life would be amazing. However, after you got married and a little time went by, you realized — that amazing sex life you imagined, happened to be short-lived. Your wife slowly seemed disengaged from sex with you. Either she doesn’t want to have sex, so you go to bed frustrated, or you can tell that she’s only having sex for your sake — and not because she’s enjoying it herself. So what’s the big deal? Why doesn’t your wife see eye to eye with you? Better yet, why doesn’t your wife “speak” sex as fluently as you? I’ve written this article to answer that one burning question. But before I answer that burning question, we as men have to realize two things about our wives.
1) She’s not a sex object.
Sometimes your actions can make your wife believe you only want her sex. This is the last thing that you want your wife to think. It’s definitely okay to compliment your wife’s looks and her figure. But if that’s the only thing you compliment about her or you do it over-excessively, she’ll be forced to believe that you only think “sex” when you see her. She’s much more than someone you just have sex with — and you have to show her that. Whether we as men want to admit it or not, media has both sub-consciously and consciously made us view women as sex figures. Through TV, movies, commercials and the internet, worldly views play a critical part in our thinking and perception. We have to be careful as men not to accept the world’s view of women, because it can inadvertently cause us to perceive our wives as sex machines. That’s not the case. Refraining from taking in negative portrayal’s of women as sex objects (via the media) can easily steer us away from looking at our wives as such. Like I’ve repeatedly stated, our wives aren’t sex objects, they’re women.
2) For women, sex is emotional and psychological.
For men, sex is mainly physical. Don’t get me wrong — we do feel closer with our wife when we’re intimate. That’s why God deems sex as a practice of oneness. What I’m stating is, men love sex because of the pleasure he receives from his wife. It takes virtually no brain power for a man to get aroused. He can just look at his wife and that’s all it takes. In addition, men don’t need “emotional satisfaction” in order to be engaged with their wife sexually. This isn’t a bad thing. This is just how men are built. Women (especially wives), obviously operate differently. Sex for most wives is much more complex. Let me explain. A woman’s emotions and psyche are connected. In order for a woman to be sexually aroused towards her husband, he must ensure that she’s emotionally satisfied. Why? Because if her emotions aren’t satisfied by you, her mind won’t allow her to become sexually aroused by you. When her emotions aren’t satisfied, she feels and thinks you’re neglecting her. Her feelings and thoughts of neglect will result in your needs being neglected as well. Let’s dig a little deeper.
Recently, my wife introduced me to a very interesting book entitled, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Dr. Gary Chapman. This book proposes that there are five separate ways to be loved and each individual in a relationship usually desires to be loved differently than their partner. According to Dr. Chapman those five acts of love come by way of quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts and physical touch. As I read this book, I’m coming to learn that for the most part, every person in a relationship speaks a different love language (hence the question, why doesn’t your wife speak sex as fluently as you?). Just because most men desire to be loved by physical touch (like sex for example) doesn’t mean our wives desire to be loved primarily that way. My wife’s primary love language is “quality time.” She loves to spend quality time with me. She loves to go shopping and to go out to eat with me. More significantly, she loves a good conversation. Sitting down with her and having a wholesome, intellectual conversation, satisfies her desire to be loved by me. Talking about God, our goals, aspirations, dreams, accomplishments, making each other laugh and giving each other sound advice, satisfies her emotionally. Showing her that I’m listening and willing to talk really gets her going. When her emotions are satisfied, her mind allows her to speak my primary love language and satisfy my needs. In other words, men, if you speak her love language, she’ll speak yours.
In order to enjoy sexual intimacy with our wives, we have to learn how to consistently engage with her emotionally and psychologically (however that may be). This opens up the door for your wife to feel loved and seek to love you back in the way that you desire. Women, this is not to say that your husband should always satisfy your needs first. You should definitely be willing to satisfy his needs first sometimes as well. It should go both ways. Learning to speak the love language of your spouse will increase communication and draw you both closer together.
I want to hear from you! Leave your comments below.
Latest posts by Micheal Boyd (see all)
- How to Be HIM Again (The Man of Her Dreams) - October 23, 2015
- When You’ve Stopped Being the Man Your Wife Once Loved - October 22, 2015
- Do You Really Believe in Your Marriage? - October 22, 2015